29 lessons in 29 years

Cliché birthday posts were sincere before they were cliché

Hi and welcome. I’m not totally set on what to do with this platform yet, but I’m excited to have a place to be Trying In Public alongside you.

What better way to christen this space than with my annual birthday post? After all, publishing these “X by X” life lesson roundups has been my most consistent writing practice. I’ve shared one every year of my 20’s, which I guess makes this the last in a series.

These are notes to self, notes to God, notes to you—mostly they’re notes to Julianne and Chantelle (#10).

Thanks for reading, love you mean it, etc.

29 Lessons I Learned By 29 Years Old

1. You don’t have to be perfect. Be a permission slip.

2. You know the way you treat yourself, prioritize yourself, and specifically ask for what you want on your birthday? You can do that all the time.

3. Discipline is not the only strategy. Discipline can look like mid-day naps and ice cream sandwiches and yes actually I think I will take another bath today. You do not have to punish yourself. You are not in trouble. Your worthiness is not wrapped up in your pain or exertion.

4. Whatever you’re looking for is not on your phone.

5. I include this every year for good reason: Lots of clichés were true and sincere before they were cliché. “All you need is love,” etc. etc.

6. Don’t rush it.

7. You are not your Instagram engagement, please. Take a deep breath. Go outside.

8. You are allowed to change your mind, even and especially about the big stuff.

9. Values come first, which is why it’s so important you know what they are.

10. I am always writing to my sisters. Every other reader is a treasured, beloved guest.

11. When you avoid something because you don’t want to deal with it, it’s usually because there is a reason you don’t want to deal with it. Step one is figuring out what that reason is. You’d be surprised how often “Idk what happened I just woke up and decided it was time to GET IT DONE!” = “I finally felt safe enough to try.”

12. Who profits from the idea that trying is cringe? Who is winning when you “stay in your lane” and do the normal thing and don’t talk so much? Who makes the big money when every creative being on Earth thinks step one of the work is “niching down” into a compartmentalized version of themselves?

13. Intuition is a quiet knowing. Listen.

14. If it’s all an experiment, what are your variables? What’s within your control, and what is outside of it? What’s worked before? What else might you try?

15. If the sky can be orange and blue and red and purple all at once, certainly you can also hold multiple truths in one body.

16. Find ways to relieve the strain on your neck as often as possible. Imagine you are holding a pencil between your shoulder blades. Rotate your inner thighs. Lay flat.

17. Self-advocacy is your ability to speak up for yourself. It’s how you tell people what you need and how to love you. It’s a practice that you build from a foundation of self-knowledge. You cannot have one without the other — you cannot help anyone help you until you see yourself. What this means is that a process of inner exploration is as vital as it is indulgent. You are worth paying attention to.

18. On the other side of trying there is always information. Do I actually like knitting? Would anyone buy this class idea I have? Who am I and what makes me feel good? Research is lovely, but some questions can only be answered by conducting a tiny, low-stakes experiment.

19. You do not need to escape your humanity or messy feelings in order to create something beautiful in the world. If anything, your desire to create is an invitation to do the opposite: Lean into your doubt, your fear, your confusion and comparison and enormous questions. Share them with other people. Let them see. This is how the art gets made.

20. Frustration is a clue, no different than a twinge in your low back. You honor your frustration by making a choice to move differently.

21. Nobody—by which I mean NO artist you’ve ever loved, admired or gotten lost in the work of—NOBODY has ever had it all figured out from the start. Life is a creative process; a practice of iteration. Trust yourself enough to keep going.

22. When you ask God for patience, don’t be shocked when you receive “an opportunity to be patient.” You asked for it!

23. Sometimes, when you are wildly confident in the value and importance of your creative work, you encounter those who feel it is their duty to challenge you or “take you down a peg.” Where I’m from, it’s called getting “too big for your britches.” We cringe at this idea of over-valuing ourselves. But there is a difference between humility and being self-effacing. If you were raised to be humble, you probably don’t need any more of the pie. What you need is the confidence to look another person in the eye and say, with confidence, “Yes, I am valuable.” This is a muscle built through exercise, practice and repetition.

24. Structure is a part of freedom, just like the constraints of a canvas are a part of the painting’s creative potential. You are in relationship with your boundaries and what you say “No” to—these are key elements in the experience of fulfillment during your (yes, limited!) time on Earth.

25. Marketing is repetition, which feels annoying. This, more than anything else, is why investments in systems and outsourcing really do help you run a business.

26. What is your “good enough” threshold? Look for it in everything. It is your personal success formula.

27. Sometimes you really do just have to finish and/or decide, which is why limitations and creativity get on so well together.

28. The people you’re comparing yourself to on the Internet also pee, poop, and have existential dread in the wee hours of the night. Remember this, then delete that app from your phone.

29. When in doubt, keep writing.